Showing posts with label fun stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fun stuff. Show all posts
Monday, July 5, 2010
Monday, January 26, 2009
funny story
this was sent to me by a friend--it made me laugh out loud! hope it brings a smile to your face as well! --rjv
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -canine attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -canine attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
funny story
No, I did not write this letter, but I did have to chuckle out loud! :) --rjv
Dear Tech support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry application which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.9, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
DEAR DESPERATE
First keep in mind Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If the application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck
Tech Support
Dear Tech support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry application which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.9, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
DEAR DESPERATE
First keep in mind Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If the application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck
Tech Support
Thursday, January 17, 2008
michigan humor
In anticipation of the "artic blast" we're supposed to get this weekend...here is a little Michigander humor:
MICHIGAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART
70 and above: Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in Michigan go swimming in the Lakes.
60 above: North Carolinians try to turn on the heat. People in Michigan plant gardens.
50 above: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Michigan sunbathe.
40 above: Italian and English cars won't start. People in Michigan drive with the windows down.
32 above: Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
20 above: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and wooly hats. People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above: Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0: People in Miami all die. People in Michigan lick the flagpole.
20 below: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Michigan get out their winter coats.
40 below: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door-to-door.
60 below: Polar bears evacuate the Artic. Michigan Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below: Mt. St. Helen freezes. People in Michigan rent videos.
100 below: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Michiganders get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below: Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Michigan complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below: All atomic motion stops (absolute 0 in the Kelvin scale). People in Michigan start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below: Hell freezes over. The Lions with the Super Bowl.
MICHIGAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART
70 and above: Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in Michigan go swimming in the Lakes.
60 above: North Carolinians try to turn on the heat. People in Michigan plant gardens.
50 above: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Michigan sunbathe.
40 above: Italian and English cars won't start. People in Michigan drive with the windows down.
32 above: Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
20 above: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and wooly hats. People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above: Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0: People in Miami all die. People in Michigan lick the flagpole.
20 below: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Michigan get out their winter coats.
40 below: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door-to-door.
60 below: Polar bears evacuate the Artic. Michigan Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below: Mt. St. Helen freezes. People in Michigan rent videos.
100 below: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Michiganders get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below: Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Michigan complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below: All atomic motion stops (absolute 0 in the Kelvin scale). People in Michigan start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below: Hell freezes over. The Lions with the Super Bowl.
Friday, December 21, 2007
christmas traditions
I don't know how long this link will hold out, but I found it kind of a fun little read for this Christmas season. Charlie Brown Christmas is one of my most favorite programs to watch. My favorite part is when they are all dancing to the piano music--the cartoon graphics crack me up!
And, you can't help but love it when they all break into a rendition of "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing!" at the top of their lungs.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE BROWN!! :)
And, you can't help but love it when they all break into a rendition of "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing!" at the top of their lungs.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE BROWN!! :)
Monday, December 17, 2007
christmas chuckle
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeers grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeers retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. ;)
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. ;)
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Cedar Point
So I visited Cedar Point for the first time in over a decade last weekend. I went with friends from church—a small choral group I sing in—after we decided we needed a good teambuilding experience together. And what an experience it was!
We left town late Wednesday night and arrived at our hotel at about 2AM. After sleeping for maybe five hours, we were up by 8 to be in the park at 9AM, where we could be first in line for the Millennium Force. After two consecutive rides on that, we headed over to Top Thrill Dragster, where we got one ride in before it broke down for a bit.
We also hit the Magnum a couple of times in a row (benefits of going in May—no lines!) I was a little anxious about going on this ride as my one memory was riding it with my father when I was about 10 years old. I remember being so terrified that at the end of the ride that the blood had left my hands from gripping the bar so tightly. After this time around, however, I have to say it was one of my most favorite rides of the day. At the end of the day though, I decided my most favorite was Millennium Force. I rode it four times!
I have never done that well on roller coasters. Typically, I can last about a half a day, and then I need to take a break from the adrenaline surges and stomach-churning. So, when I went on a total of about 20 + rides all day—I was pretty proud of myself! Especially since I really haven’t been on a roller coaster in at least five years. I’m now considering it another accomplishment during this my 30th year.
Our weather was perfect all day—maybe a touch warm—but perfect roller coaster riding weather. We left the park at the 8PM closing time—only after a couple people in the group rode the Raptor a record five times in a row! Overall, we had an awesome time together and are already planning next year’s trip.
We left town late Wednesday night and arrived at our hotel at about 2AM. After sleeping for maybe five hours, we were up by 8 to be in the park at 9AM, where we could be first in line for the Millennium Force. After two consecutive rides on that, we headed over to Top Thrill Dragster, where we got one ride in before it broke down for a bit.
We also hit the Magnum a couple of times in a row (benefits of going in May—no lines!) I was a little anxious about going on this ride as my one memory was riding it with my father when I was about 10 years old. I remember being so terrified that at the end of the ride that the blood had left my hands from gripping the bar so tightly. After this time around, however, I have to say it was one of my most favorite rides of the day. At the end of the day though, I decided my most favorite was Millennium Force. I rode it four times!
I have never done that well on roller coasters. Typically, I can last about a half a day, and then I need to take a break from the adrenaline surges and stomach-churning. So, when I went on a total of about 20 + rides all day—I was pretty proud of myself! Especially since I really haven’t been on a roller coaster in at least five years. I’m now considering it another accomplishment during this my 30th year.
Our weather was perfect all day—maybe a touch warm—but perfect roller coaster riding weather. We left the park at the 8PM closing time—only after a couple people in the group rode the Raptor a record five times in a row! Overall, we had an awesome time together and are already planning next year’s trip.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
funny story
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank margaritas with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
The End
;)
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank margaritas with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
The End
;)
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